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Cutting Through the Marketing Talk
Nick Wisser. 2001/8/30-b.

With all the claims by the marketing departments of glider companies, it can become difficult and vexing to figure out what all the information means. Fortunately I'm here to help. Below is a handy translation device you can use to determine what they are trying to say. Believe me, you'll thank me for this later.

What they say	What they mean
Adapted from our highly successful competition glider.	No one buys our comp glider any more.
As for security, the DHV report says it all.	We bribed the test pilot to get a DHV-2.
For competition and XC pilots.	For competition pilots only.
A glide ratio of 9.0 .	A glide ratio of 8.0 .
A very low sink rate.	A very low trim speed.
Longer travel delivers extra speed in reserve.	Repack reserve before engaging bar.
Highest performance in its class.	Lowest stability in its class.
Your mother said not to look down on others; get used to it !	Your mother said not to pee your pants; get used to it !
Fly different.	Our marketing person is out flying, so we copied our slogan from another product.
Got lift ?	Ditto.
Response to our new model has been fantastic !	We gave away the first ten gliders !
Flat turning.	Will not turn.
Cuts into thermals.	Dives in turns.
Carves the air in turns.	Dives in turns.
An aerobatics tool.	Poor glide ratio.
Direct handling.	Locks into spiral dives.
DHV-2.	(DHV-2/3 accelerated).
Responsive to weight shift.	Unresponsive to brake input.
"I love this glider !".	"I was paid for this endorsement !"
With a top speed of 55 km/h.	With a top speed of 45 km/h.
Vastly improved performance.	Vastly improved marketing campaign
Three-year guarantee.	We will be out of business in two years.
We've relocated our factory for even better quality control.	The Malaysian government promised "no labor problems".
We've incorporated the latest technologies.	We've copied our competitor's glider from last year.
English language manual.	Manual auto-translated from Korean.
Proven in competition.	3rd place in Vladivostok XC classic.
We tested 15 prototypes before finalizing our design.	We have 14 openings for experienced test pilots.
"The best glider I've ever flown !"	"I started my lessons last Thursday !"
We stand by our quality and workmanship.	We have no product liability insurance.
We use the most sophisticated design tools.	We hacked the Nova web site and stole Papesh's design program.
High energy retention.	Surges to the horizon.
Lightning fast re-inflation.	Collapses without warning.
Highest passive security.	Will not launch.
DHV-1/2 (pending).	Our check to DHV bounced.
Our new model was worth the wait.	Our designer spent last year in an Amsterdam "coffee" bar, he thinks.
Sold only to pilots with competition experience.	Sold only to pilots with 3200 $US.